To many women the following story will be all too familiar. After a day of office slog you fetch the kids, listen to their stories, rush to the supermarket, get home, supervise homework, manage bath-time, pack sandwiches and tog bags, cook dinner, have the necessary arguments about who can or can’t do what and finally you get the little trolls to bed. Sometime during this treadmill of domestic grind, hubby waltzes in, puts his feet up, watches TV, demands dinner, scoffs it, heads back to the TV and then starts thrusting his crotch at you to let you know that sex is next on his agenda.
We’ve also heard many an Agony Aunt advising us to improve our planning and time-management or send the kids to friends so that you can fit him in; both literally and figuratively.
I don’t know about you but I get annoyed by the nonsense advocating that women should make more time to keep on meeting everyone else’s needs but their own. For starters what these well-meaning control-freaks don’t get is that planning or scheduling and organising a date or week-end with him takes more time; the one precious resource that exhausted women are short of.
Never have I heard an Agony Aunt advise women to stop behaving like the family’s slave and only to meet his every need when you too are in the mood. With almost a quarter of working women bringing home more bacon than their men, isn’t it time we learned that doing it all, to have it all, is too hefty a price to pay for the modicum of financial freedom women have gained?
It would seem that many women are happy to do things for their children but they draw the line at having to satisfy the regular demands of his broomstick in your back at bedtime.
When it comes to sex, lots of women develop avoidance strategies about going to bed and invent all sorts of things that need doing so that he will be snoring by the time she gets there. Alternatively, women get there first and - even if he arrives a few minutes later - they are masters at pushing out zzz’s pretending to be deep in slumber.
If sex is the best fun we can have with or without our clothes on, then why are women developing crafty strategies to avoid the encounter?
Perhaps matters would improve if women let their men know that males are least sexually desirable when lazing on the sofa while the sports channel deafens the rest of the family.
I’ve often wondered why men endure all that sweat at the gym if that same finely tuned rear-end is hidden by sinking it into the couch cushions thereafter? It’s time that males learnt that women are turned on by men’s butts but only if those same buns are actively behind the vacuum cleaner or can be admired when he’s up to his elbows in soap-suds at the kitchen sink.
So if their sexual demands aren’t met then men should be questioning what they are doing to free up their woman’s energy so that she can enjoy an active sex life.
Okay, I know that many women think this is unrealistic and fear that not meeting his demands (like cooking, cleaning and picking up after him) will end in divorce.
Many are also concerned that by ignoring his sexual needs he may seek keener pastures. But the truth is that if he’s the type who doesn’t value your mutual commitment, no matter how well serviced he is at home, he’s going to stray anyway.
The more important question is; when are women going to start considering what they are getting out of the relationship. If he is not an asset physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually then – like another of your children – he is simply a dependent.
If this is the case then what is there to cling onto in the partnership?
Many women submit to men’s demands because they resign themselves to the lifelong habit of fulfilling society’s unrealistic expectations of what it means to be a woman. The tradition of sacrificing ones needs and wishes for others harks back to the dark ages. Since when is it a woman’s responsibility to work like a man and still be a slave to all the unpaid labour at home?
If women are to strike a better work/life balance then it requires a lot more than some superficial planning and scheduling. More importantly it’s about making difficult choices.
The truth is we either live according to society’s demands - and make ourselves unhappy in the process - or please ourselves and put up with other people’s disapproval. A happy medium is achieved by weighing up our options in each situation and deciding which demands we’re going to follow – our own or those of society.
Constantly compromising yourself to meet other people’s needs is one of the main causes of depression in women. On the other hand only considering yourself will make you self-involved and selfish.
Compromising things that matter to you puts your happiness at risk but there’s also no point in constantly taking him to task about his lack of involvement at home.
When women nag, men retaliate by developing the knack of selective hearing. They are prepared to put up with the whining because they know that afterwards you will continue doing everything for them. So instead of nattering about his shortcomings stop doing the things that irritate you.
In a progressive province in India women became so fed up with men’s behaviour that they successfully organised a no-cooking strike for a few days. There’s nothing like a rumbling tummy to get a man to change his ways and if rolling mass action isn’t for you then declare a personal strike at home. Of course you may have to put up with a filthy house for a week or two but this is a small price to pay for appreciable change.
In her presidential campaign Hillary Clinton appropriated the African saying that it takes a village to raise a child and we women could ease our burden by remembering that it is not a condition of being female to be solely responsible for all and sundry in the family.
Men have the same appendages at the end of their arms as women do and these can be quite handy if put to work at home. Children too need to learn to live independently and the only way for them to ultimately become self-sufficient is to be given more responsibility over time.
Often women unwittingly make a rod for their backs by doing too much for husbands and children. They do so in a desperate bid to gain acknowledgement. All that really happens though is the family gets into the habit of seeing you as a doormat so, instead of appreciation, you’ll just be taken for granted.
By facing difficult choices and not doing the things that exhaust you, you can trade-in the rod you’ve made for your back. With the energy you retrieve you could then start calling the shots about if, when and how you may wish to take pleasure in his broomstick.
The real estate mantra ‘location, location, location’ could equally well describe the preoccupation many people have about getting it right in bed; so much so that perfectionism has reduced sex to little more than position, position, position. This kind of pressure is supposedly all about being creative between the sheets … or should I say on the kitchen table, perhaps with you served up as the whores d’vour?
Starting with ancient sex manuals like the Kama Sutra, much has been written about spicing up your sex life. But how many of us get turned on by flipping through a manual while trying to crack a hand-stand in pursuit of a new, more imaginative position?
It stands to reason that the longer you and your partner have been together the more you’re likely to get into the same old habits. But, if the routine satisfies both of you, then what’s the issue with sticking to positions like the missionary, spooning or styles inspired by Fido?
The missionary got both its name and a bad rep because the idea of male-on-top suited the establishment’s ideas on what was deemed ‘decent’ in the bedroom. Anyone who has tried it will know that the missionary is one of the hardest positions from which to satisfy a woman and it was only relevant during times when delighting in coitus was considered wicked for women.
But if the missionary blows your pubic hair back, chuck out the manuals that suggest otherwise and get on with whatever you consider constitutes a good time.
The idea of inventive sex was initiated to break the missionary mould but today the obsession with ‘getting it right’ has made men and women so guarded and self-conscious that it has sucked the creative juices right out of the reality of being satisfactorily laid.
It’s common knowledge that creativity and perfectionism cannot co-exist, so if you are fixated about which body part may or may not be shaved and whether you are revealing your cellulite or that wobbly bum, then no matter what position you take, sex will just end up being a mission.
The funny thing about vaginas and penises is that both are quite simple tools to operate; neither needs a complicated instruction manual. The problem is not the tools so much as the workman and, as each of us enjoys different things, the only direction required is to guide your partner to the hotspots that turn you on.
Humans have been enjoying sex for thousands of years without having to rely upon manuals, toys and faux nurse’s outfits. So whether you’re getting your rocks off camping in a cave, soaking in a Jacuzzi or having sex on the beach, the only position important to take is to make sure you’re having fun.
Fun and creativity are products of spontaneity and no one can be spontaneous when we plan a strategy as to where, when, how and for how long we’re going to let our hair down. Structure destroys imagination and when your toes are pinning back your ears, little could be more off-putting than having to turn to page 64 to find out where his arms and legs belong.
Sex manuals may be good to spark off some new ideas but, once you’re all fired up, put the book down and let your creative urges rise. It doesn’t really matter what position you land up in as long as you both enjoy getting there.
Do take some precautions though. I knew a couple who had a preference for backseat bonking at insane hours of the morning. On one occasion they chose a quiet golf-course parking lot thinking that the only balls in play would be swung by something flimsier than a five-iron. However, upon reaching the crescendo they were unexpectedly applauded by a group of early-rising caddies who were overjoyed by such an extraordinary hole-in-one.
Laughter releases tension and can also ease awkward moments so, if you want him pitching tents in his Boxers, being naturally playful is more likely to get the big top up than assuming a position.
Performance anxiety affects both men and women making it difficult for either to rise to the occasion. Trying too hard will put the kibosh on creativity and this never-ending quest to get sex right is, in fact, the only way to get it really wrong.
So, for all you’ve ever wanted to know about your position on positions, just ask your fertile imagination and let the hay roll from there on.
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Stephanie Vermeulen runs seminars on Applied Emotional Intelligence and Women’s Issues in business and public forums as well as being an inspiring speaker, writer and personal coach. Her books, Kill the Princess: Why Women Still Aren’t Free from the Quest for a Fairytale Life‘(USA) / Stitched-up: Who Fashions Women’s Lives?‘ (South Africa) & EQ: Emotional Intelligence for Everyone are available from leading bookstores and online through Amazon.com and Kalahari.net. She can be contacted via her website http://www.eqsa.co.za .
Stephanie Vermeulen
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